Getting Mom to accept help.
If you have one parent taking care of their spouse it can be hard to get them to accept help. There can be many reasons for this.
A lot of people I talk to say that they know how busy their adult children are and they don’t want to add any more burdens to their already stressful lives.
Another reason is that they don’t want to be bossed around by their adult children or anyone else. They want to be able to make their own decisions.
It could also be that they are terrified that, if they accept that they need help, everything will change. The devil they know is better than the devil they don’t.
Often they won’t tell you why they don’t need your help but will just tell you to stop fussing and causing trouble.
You, as their child, can see that things are deteriorating but don’t know how to get them to agree to anything. It usually ends up as an argument and that does nothing to help anyone. The more frustrated you get, the more they fight back and on and on it goes.
Their reasons are all authentic and the first thing you have to do is acknowledge them. You have to say – I understand that, but – and take your discussion from there.
One way to get your mother to agree to help might be to say something like:
“Mom, I can’t sleep at night because I am worried about you and Dad.”
She will probably say that they are fine thank you and not to be worrying about them.
From there, you could say :
“Yes, but I have been thinking that, if you got sick, we would all be in trouble. What would happen to Dad then? We need to make sure that you stay well and get enough rest. We need a back up plan and, if we had someone who knew how you liked things done, they could help you and get to know you and Dad.”
Persist with this line of argument and see what you can get her to agree to.
Do not criticize the way she is taking care of him. She is going to resent it if you start saying that the house is dirty or Dad is not getting his clothes changed often enough. She is doing her best and trying to keep everything just the same. It would be better to say that you want to tidy up for her so that she won’t have to worry about it for a few days. You know how much she does for Dad.
Remember, everyone wants to stay independent for as long as possible.
If money is what is stopping her, remind her that it would be a lot less expensive to have someone come in for a couple of hours a week to clean the floors and do the laundry than to have to pay for full time care if anything happens to her.
Tell her that prevention is better than cure.
If she doesn’t want a stranger in the house, tell her you will be there the first couple of times the person comes in. This may relieve her anxiety.
If she says “Dad wouldn’t like it” – you can say that he won’t even see her. She will be in the kitchen or making the beds and not where he is.
Be firm about it but go in there determined to keep your cool no matter what she says.
If it all fails, then ask her what she is willing to do to help you sleep because you can’t go on like this. Make it her responsibility to help you with your problem.
In my experience, getting the first bit of help through the door is the hardest. Once they see the benefit, it is much easier to get them to agree to assistance with other issues as they arise.
Remember that change is very hard for people. When things change we don’t know how its going to all end up. We lose control and that is very scary.