How to cope with Caregiver Guilt.

One of the emotions we, as caregivers, have to deal with is guilt. It is a powerful force which can cause us all sorts of difficulties.

We feel guilty because we can’t do anything to fix this. We can’t make our loved ones better. No matter how much we do, it never seems to be enough. We feel guilty because we get tired, become impatient and even lose our tempers from time to time. We would like time for ourselves and to be able to get away for a while but, if we do manage to get a break – even a short one – we feel guilty again because we think nobody can do as good as job as us at caring for our loved one.

Maybe we are long distance caregivers – trying to provide the care necessary while feeling guilty that we can not be closer to those needing us?

If we use the services of day care settings or bring in caregivers to the home we feel guilty because we are not able to do everything ourselves.

If we end up placing our loved ones in residential care we are often riddled with guilt because we feel we have failed them and are abandoning them. This, I believe, is the hardest one of all.

How do we deal with caregiver guilt?

Firstly, not one of us is perfect. Wonder Woman and Superman were invented. They are not real. None of us are superheroes. We are human beings who get tired, feel sad, feel lonely, try our best but have to meet our other obligations too.

We try our best to remain good humored but nobody can be expected to answer the same question twenty times, have to battle with someone to get them to bathe, watch that they don’t eat the dog’s food and worry all the time in case they injure themselves or someone else without becoming frustrated or short tempered now and again.

Right now, there is no cure for Alzheimer’s Disease so your loved one’s situation will become progressively worse. This may happen quickly or over a longer period. When you accept this, it helps with the feelings of guilt that you can’t make it better.

You, as a caregiver, are in this for the long haul. As the disease progresses, and new symptoms appear, you are going to need more help with providing care. Please do not feel bad about this.

As people need more assistance with all the tasks of daily living it may not be possible, or safe, for one person to do it all. Sometimes people are reluctant to accept help from their children with intimate tasks like toileting or bathing but find it easier to accept assistance from a ‘professional’. Perhaps someone trained in giving showers or baths would have better luck getting your Dad to take a shower than you could?

If you can’t be there during the daytime because you have a job to go to or a family to take care of, there is nothing wrong with having somebody else do the caregiving. This is also true if you are the main caregiver but need a break for a few hours during the day just to recharge your batteries or to get your own tasks done. This might mean bringing a carer into the home or sending your loved one to a daycare center. Maybe, before they became ill, they would have hated this idea but you have to remember that things are different now. They need help that they didn’t before. The situation is not the same as it was when they said they never wanted to end up in a place like that with all those old people. You are not letting them down. You are trying to ensure they receive the care they need while remaining as independent as possible.

Now we come to the guilt we feel when the time comes for placing our loved ones in residential care. Maybe you promised Dad before he died that you would never put Mom in a nursing home? Maybe you assured her herself that you would never let that happen but now you just can’t keep your promise? How do you deal with this guilt?

Again, we have to accept that we are not superhuman. You would not be doing this if it were not necessary. We also have to learn to accept that no situation is going to be perfect. No nursing home or memory care unit will be able to provide the individualized care your loved one would receive at home. However, if someone needs more care than you can safely provide, residential care may be the best option.

This can sometimes happen because the caregiver is exhausted or becomes ill rather than any change in the loved one’s condition. Again, you are not letting them down and you are not abandoning them. You are still going to be very involved in their care but just not having to physically do it 24 hours a day. It will still be up to you to oversee the care provided and to make sure they are receiving all the services they need. You will still have to talk to doctors and the caregivers and others involved in their lives. The only difference is that you can sleep at night knowing that someone else is responsible for their wellbeing. You can visit as often as possible, spend lots of time with them and keep them company.

There will be compromises to be made and you will have to learn to pick your battles. Not everything that you would like for them may be possible but you can work with the facility to make it as good as it can be. The reason you are doing this is to provide the care they need in the best way possible. Nothing is perfect.

Do the best you can in the circumstances you are in, making sure that your loved one is treated with dignity and respect. If you know that you are doing this, your feelings of guilt will be much easier to cope with.