What to say when we know something is wrong.

A couple of days ago I met a woman I have known for a while. She is in her late eighties and lives on her own. We will call her Sharon – not her real name.

For the past few months it has been obvious that Sharon is having memory issues:

She has lost things and not been able to find them again.

She has mixed up her appointments – going on the wrong day or to the wrong place. Thinking she was going to her exercise class when she was really supposed to be at her book club.

She was fixating on things. This was beginning to irritate some of the people in the groups she belonged to and caused some awkward moments.

When we met she told me she had decided to sell her apartment and move in with some of her family. She knows it is the best thing for her because she is very aware of what is happening to her.

You’ll often hear people say something along the lines of:

‘People with Alzheimer’s don’t know there is anything wrong with them. It is their families who suffer’.

It is true that their families suffer as they watch their loved one disappear bit by bit. It is devastating for families and friends to watch this process play out. However, in my experience, people know when they are having problems. They know that this is something more than the ordinary, everyday, lapses of memory we all have from time to time.

It is very important not to minimize it when someone tells you they are having problems remembering.

We are all tempted to say something like:

” I wouldn’t worry about it. We all do that. I went into my bedroom the other day and couldn’t remember what I went in for. I had to come out again and, as for my keys, I am forever losing them.”

Those are momentary lapses that we all have and not what someone in the earlier stages of dementia is experiencing. Your words won’t bring any comfort because they know it is not the same.

It would be kinder, and more helpful, to say something like:

“Really? What kind of things are you forgetting?”

Then, as they discuss it, try to come up with suggestions to help them.

Sharon told me she has a list on her wall that says:

Monday : Exercise Class – 10 am.

Wednesday: Book Club – 2 pm.

Friday : Library to get more books – 11 am.

“That’s great, ” I said. ” All you have to do then is remember which day it is.”

” I have that sorted out ” she replied. ” My watch tells me what day it is as well as what time it is. I get up in the morning and I look at my watch. It tells me that today is Wednesday so I look at the wall and I know it is Book Club day.”

Then she said – ” It is terrifying to know that you are losing your mind. It is really terrifying.”

I told her I understood. I did because my mother once said – ” Please God, don’t let me go senile. What will happen to me if I do?”

I told Sharon I thought moving in with her family was a very wise step for her. She knows it won’t be perfect because nothing ever is. She also knows that she can’t be on her own for much longer.

” It’s important to have someone who will look out for you ” I told her.

” My son and his wife will always look out for me. I know that ” she replied. ” I’m lucky – not everyone is.”